Category Archives: home decor

October 7, 2013 · 8:58 PM

How not to finish a quilt in 10 easy steps

1. Ignore the fact that your diet is consisting of more and more mutant produce and get to work.

2. Plan a queen-sized quilt when you don’t have a queen-sized area in which to work. Alternately, plan a queen-sized quilt when you bought a house with a big studio, but the sale wasn’t final. Alternately, continue with said queen-sized quilt when you could have easily scaled back.

3. [Sidestep] While struggling with the space issue, contemplate the boxes and boxes of books hidden beneath Indian bedspreads (that once adorned dorm walls), pictures without walls, and the weak light from the single window in your sh*tty apartment living room.

4. Focus your attention back to the quilt top. Realize that though you usually have a fairly high tolerance for wonkiness, one square looks too sloppy, so carefully rip it out to fix it without thinking about the possibility of how your “fix” might not make it better, only worse. Feel sad that it could have just been a little extra wonky instead of a lot extra wonky now since there’s no way you’re going back in there to fix/mess it up even more.

5. When ironing the top (hopefully for the last time) discover that one of the fabrics can actually shrink and warp once it’s already been ironed many many times. No time for flailing about and shrieking WTFs, just rip the bitches, replace them, and re-iron the whole thing c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y.

6. [Sidestep] In anticipation of quilting, play with a few samples of top+batting+backing. Discover that your machine is entirely rejecting this action and refuses to obey proper tension. Feel immediately panicked, then feel immediately in denial and move on.

7. Discover that it will be impossible to lay and smooth out the layers flat. Even if you hop from chair to sofa, you will never be able to perform the long jump necessary from end to end and will fall several times trying.

8. Consider crying.

9. Investigate paying someone else to do this part.

10. Consider scrapping the whole thing.

4 Comments

Filed under home decor, quilts, sewing

Tagged as basting, batting, DIY, failure, how not to, layers, living rooms, not enough space, quilting, quilts, sewing, space, top, working

October 2, 2013 · 7:58 AM

Needle in a scrapstack

I’ve been having a run of good bad luck lately. Not luck that is at first bad, but then allows for something awesome to come in,* but good in terms of a good dose of it. Don’t get me wrong, it could be much, much worse, but it is annoying as all get out.

I’ve barely spent any money lately, but my last two online orders involved a bottle of shampoo ending up all over a book, and an item of clothing needed in a timely manner arriving with a giant slash – and I did not cause it myself by opening the box with an evil box cutter or anything so keen.

I’ve been trying to set up a new doctor here and ended up with a $558.00 bill for a physical that should have been free. For the last month, I have been calmly and persistently contacting the doctor/billing office/lab/main office/insurance company to resolve it. All say they can’t but the other guy can. One kind soul read back to me the transcript of the call log at the doctor’s office – I sound like a f*cking obnoxious demanding crazy bitch. In this instance though, I am not – I have been perfectly professional with them, and only cry with rage and shake a little about the potential of having to part with the money that I don’t actually owe when I’m off the phone.

But with bad, sometimes good shows up a tiny bit.

I dropped one of my current favorite sewing needles into a big box of scraps. Bad, but not too bad, but then I sometimes use my scraps to stuff things and what if someone bought something made with them and then gave it to a toddler (though I specifically say my things aren’t meant for kids) and then the toddler sucks it down his slobbery germ-hole and requires a dramatic surgery and then my precious needle ends up accessioned with the other surgically removed swallowed things at the Mutter Museum. Bad (although I like that museum). But after shaking and scrounging and hoping to find it when it penetrated my own digits, I finally located it without bloodshed. Good.

I stitched up a little piece with my own white hairs. Bad? Well, I’ll give you kinda gross, but it is what it is. The bad part was the haircut I got a few weeks ago that was supposed to be an inch and ended up three and more in various hideous feathery layers. And the annoying routine I go through with every hair cutter when she/he tries to convince me to color my hair. I rarely get a haircut, you think I can keep up with roots? And hello, money? And hello again, chemicals? And ciao bitch, I’m aging, that’s what happens! But the biggest bad is that my greys are coming in at an alarming rate and falling out at the same pace. I figure they’re my newest strands so they should be sticking around longer… Needless to say I had more than enough to finish the piece and now I don’t know what to do with the leftovers – I don’t think I want to use hair-thread again though. (And not to worry, I’m not saving boogers, ear wax, and toenail clippings… well, maybe a few fingernails, but they’re for art purposes too.) Sounds scarier than it is.

And the last is a bad me for not finishing the epic summer-long quilt yet. I’m terrified to do the quilting part (and my machines are getting tensiony), so I’m considering my options of finishing the top off and calling it a coverlet. I don’t intend to use it anyway.

And the good?

I found my rotary cutter!

* And speaking of rotary cutters and needles, if one more person/media outlet/memoir tells me that loosing their job was the best thing that ever happened to them, well I just might get slicey and pokey.

I am not a sock monkey… I think?

Though I am trying to keep my mouth shut, I’m still angry sad depressed cynical pissed hopping-mad bitter rapidly-aging rabid seething kicked-in-my-imaginary-balls over that house sale f*cked-uppery.

But I will say no more.

Except this:

And excuse the watermark, but I actually spent time modifying that image, so don’t steal it. I need to work on the watermark thing though, so bear with me and get used to it.

In the interest of further experimentation in the art of procrastination, I thought I would check to see if any of my fibery images have been savagely pirated from webworld. I know of one on Pinterest (which I’m largely on the fence about, but leaning on the hate side, or perhaps really really hate side) and I don’t really have many readers here, so I wasn’t expecting to find any gross violations.

So I did some Google Image searches by image.

I started with a pic that I’ve had on ravelry for a few years, and I actually loved the results:

(I won’t get any bigger with these because I don’t want to commit image gankery myself).

What you can’t quite see is my picture of a grey cowl matching images of owls in tree bark, cathedrals, shaggy dogs, rocks, chandeliers, and even a few other faces and knitted items. All of the matches relate to color, texture, and shapes in my image.

Another image that I posted a few months ago – and again, I love the matches:

Golden fall foliage, a fish caught in a net, a Byzantine Madonna.

But it failed to tell me that the picture did exist in webworld and was pinned on someone’s Pinterest board and on this blog. Nothing came up for ravelry either, but I think that has greater privacy settings?

But otherwise, so far so good, no image theft yet.

So I moved on to other images I’ve posted in this blog.

Remember my artsy-fartsy sock monkeys from this post?

Sock monkeys are very popular.

Sock monkeys are everywhere.

Sock monkeys are made with socks and possibly some buttons.

Sock monkeys are for sale.

Sock monkeys are definitely not people (though friendlier).

So why dear Google, did my picture of sock monkeys bring up people!?!?!?!?!

If it’s some facial recognition algorithmic magic thing, then fix it ’cause I’m not buying that the ratios and comparative data and secret science are there.

My initial reaction was that this was horribly, horribly, horribly racist since many of the faces appeared to be from people who are not predominately caucasian. But once I scrolled through more images I saw that it was very much an equal-opportunity free-for-all of people = sock monkeys.

Yes, monkeys are our cousins and they have skulls similar to ours – more similar than that of say a skunk or a horse, but stuffed toys with bulbous mouths that don’t exist in nature? Knitted texture and only three colors? No nose of any dimensions? Eyes made of shoe buttons? Exaggerated floppy ears? No eyebrows, eyelashes, head hair, facial hair, (yes, I know some people don’t have that either) bumps, lumps, wrinkles, pimples, scars, beauty marks, or irises for that matter?

So I slept on it – maybe it was a joke.

The next day I tried the same image again:

More people.

And as a bonus, some soaped up ass cheeks. (It did locate it on my blog though – the monkeys, not the cheeks).

So I tried some more monkey pics – I’ve got oodles of sock monkeys (or perhaps I should call them a troupe or troop).

This was a scan of some vintage monks wearing snazzy outfits made by my great aunt for my brothers:

More people.

At least it picked up on the red.

I had another clearer pic of the same little guys in the first image:

More people.

Though a couple of pine cones add some nice diversity.

So I thought that perhaps anything resembling two eyes and a mouth would always equate human faces and thus I was just making too much of this.

So I searched with an image of a pie with a face:

And I got pies and other foodstuffs for f*cksakes!

So I thought that perhaps there was a sock monkey apocalypse and it will now be up to me to re-populate the planet.

(By sewing of course, not lewd acts with a stuffed sock).

Just to be sure, I searched the term “sock monkeys” in Google Images.

What’s this?

Thousands, perhaps millions, of images of sock monkeys?*

There are so many sock monkeys that you can browse by various categories!

So what’s up Google?

Is this a joke?

Is this an evil plan that only you know about and we don’t and we’re about to become a new of Planet of the ~~Apes~~ Sock Monkeys?

Are we actually just a bunch of stuffed socks?

Is walking on a sock an act of torture and murder?

Should I fear my own sock monkeys?

Should I cut some holes in their box for air?

Please tell me.

*(It’s cool that Rebecca Yaker’s sock monk couture comes up right away).

6 Comments

Filed under home decor, knitting, recycling, sewing

Tagged as confusion, google images, image editing, image theft, images, knitting, monks, pictures, pie, piracy, planet of the apes, sewing, sock monkey, vampire pie

August 14, 2013 · 12:25 PM

Mid-August progress…

We spent last weekend in the Adirondacks.

It was the last of the summer hiking trips for us.

Our cottage was decorated in “Wal-Mart for cabin.”

I actually miss the tacky painted saw blades, crude whittlings, and sh*t made out of driftwood and antlers of mountain/country crafts of yesteryear (or just a few years ago really).

Now it is plastic sh*t from China (often copied from domestic crafters).

But I managed to finally finish basting all of those damn letters.

The pile looks smaller than it really is.

I will never be so wordy on a quilt again.

Our CSA has been offering loads of lovely flowers.

It is a nice thing to have fresh flowers, but not in place of food – they really need to step it up in the veg department. And as vinyl village apartment dwellers, we can’t compost, so I don’t like to have too many fresh flowers.

The letters are ready to mingle with the as yet unmade quilt blocks.

I’m also getting wordy with a fair isle scarf.

I don’t love stranded knitting.

I don’t hate it though.

My Tour de Fleece spinning goals fell short.

But I finished plying my Pigeonroof Studios “lettuce” and have one braid left to finish spinning for a particular project.

I spun this one a little too thin and it came out lighter and softer in color, so it might have to become a different project.

Or the original project will be scrapped altogether.

That will have to wait.

I also started a major embroidery piece.

It will take some time.

It is pink.

I don’t love pink.

Cutter please come home

I bought a shiny new rotary cutter a year or two ago. I’m pretty sure I even bought extra replacement blades. It was during one of those mega-sales at the big box store and back when I had a bit more cash to burn. I cannot find it now. I have an old tiny one with a dull blade that sits unused in my sewing box, so I went to purchase new blades for it. But then I didn’t because they are so inexplicably and maddeningly expensive.

So I continue to search for my lost one.

I have several boxes marked “art supplies.” So far, it has not been in any of them. Instead I’ve found some other useful things.

A box of faux cardinals. I have some bright red roving [red rover, red rover… ] in my stash that I got unenthusiastically in a grab bag. I think I was thinking of making cardinal-themed art yarn out of it. I don’t think it’s a great idea. I still might make it one day.

Dyestuff. I just knew I bought Kool-Aid a few years ago for yarn dying purposes, but hadn’t been able to find it until now. And yay, I have greens, blues, and darker red now! And the henna – why not try it on wool?

Yeah, I had a couple of wisdom teeth extracted (and one quite violently) and had to keep a souvenir.

And since I don’t have a new real bathroom, I can play with this vintage/antique? dollhouse set. I forgot I found it at an antique store just a couple of years ago as well.

The box should have been labeled sh*t from a couple of years ago but not including your rotary cutter.

Third time isn’t the charm; seeing stars and I don’t want the walls to talk

We just got f*cked on house #3.

It was a late Victorian, it had enough space, it had more than one toilet, it had old doors and knobs, it had gas instead of heating oil, it was in good shape but still needed some sprucing up, it was light and bright and airy. The sellers accepted our offer, and everything was going swimmingly. I started researching the house history, I had a warm paint palette in mind, and visions of hex tile designs dancing in my head. We even picked out new vanity license plates* since we’d also be moving to a new state.

The night before the inspection, the seller told us they got another offer for $5,000 more. Just $5,000… We are in an area with a disgustingly inflated cost of living and obnoxious salaries – $5,000 is probably less than the price of one of the seller’s wife’s purses. The seller was already going to profit hundreds of thousands of dollars.

What happened to civility and honoring your word?

A bigger profit of $10,000 or more? Yes, I understand that and would possibly do the same. The asshole who offered slightly more money? Well, shame on you. In the past, we have chosen not to bid on houses that already have offers on them – but perhaps we must become a bit more unethical ourselves.

So now, we have no house, again.

Everyone says it is for a reason. It is a sign. But there are no signs pointing in the right direction nor do I have any reasoning left.

I can’t find a job and we can’t find a house.

Now I have to clean the scummy sh*t off the shower that I thought I’d be leaving behind. I went to the big-box hardware store. I nearly broke down in sobs. I used to cry a little when I had to go there again and again and again all in the same day just to buy the right screw when we were remodeling our old house. This place isn’t for the unmoored shitbox apartment dweller. I wanted to buy the non-native invasive pesticide laden flowers to liven up my window boxes. I wanted to browse for new vintage-inspired sink handles. I wanted to buy cement for N to fix the goddamn back step again. Instead all I needed was some caulk for our frighteningly moldy tub since the management does a terrible job with such things here.

Last night we found a slug slimeing its way up the living room wall.

I know this post breaks my rules of telling tales of personal woe and rants as outlined in my manifesto/mission statement. To bring it back somewhat on topic, at least on the topic of home decor which does include fiber arts (but not this time) allow me to bitch about the aesthetics of many of the residents in our area. (And yes, I am channeling my inner curmudgeony old man with canned corn stuck in his teeth right now).

So many houses we’ve looked at have these goddamn stars all over them:

Are they supposed to be quaint and country? (Didn’t country thankfully die in the 1980s?).

Are they supposed to attract celestial dwellers?

Are they patriotic?

I guess I am not patriotic, from outer space, or own a denim shirt with embroidered hearts because these little bitches set my teeth to grind.

Another thing? I don’t want my walls to tell me to live, love, laugh or describe the room’s obvious function even if it is in a European romance language – I don’t want the walls to say anything.

I can almost accept putting your child’s name on the wall of her bedroom – I’m all for literacy. But one house we viewed had “Laundry” in cheery script over the washing machine – really? And the ubiquitous “Live, love, laugh” in the bedroom – it was the home of a divorcing couple. I guess they didn’t love or laugh – the living one is hard not to do as matter of routine. Does anyone’s house say f*ck, cry, die? I might buy that in vinyl script…

*Our attempted new state is known for its asshole drivers and we thought we’d look a little more like friendly drivers having plates with old buildings or woodpeckers or trees or smiling puppies on them.

**All pics yanked from real estate sites. It’s likely I’m violating copyright. Realtors aren’t my favorite people at the moment. My apologies if I made fun of your house, but really, if you want to sell it, take that sh*t down.

4 Comments

Filed under home, home decor, unemployment

Tagged as apartments, asshole drivers, bad decor, big box stores, country decor, frustration, home buying, home selling, homes, houses, if only the walls could talk, live love laugh, real estate, realtors, remodeling, renting, slime, slugs, stars, third times the charm, vinyl letters, wall words

Category Archives: home decor

How not to finish a quilt in 10 easy steps

Needle in a scrapstack

I am not a sock monkey… I think?

Mid-August progress…

Cutter please come home

Third time isn’t the charm; seeing stars and I don’t want the walls to talk

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